Rap Lines That Make No F**king Sense: The Drake Edition
If you've read either of the previous editions of "Rap Lines That Make No F**king Sense" you know how the game goes. We're looking for lines that aren't just bad, but contain some inherently wack fatal flaw. In other words, if you're a rapper who said some shit because it sounded cool but didn't really think through the meaning, you're getting called out. For no reason in particular other than Drake's a big target I decided to go with an all-Drizzy edition this time around. All in all the young man's a quality rapper, but you can't release as much material as Aubrey has in the past year and not slip up a few times. Let's begin...
"I know way too many people here right now that I didn't know last year / Who the fuck are y'all?" What do you mean who the fuck are they? I thought you just said you knew them? Unless Drake has the same condition as the dude from "Memento", or is going through an incredibly early onset of Alzheimer's, his memory really should be better.
Rich Boy's latest offering is wack, and Drake's weak guest verse isn't helping, particularly when he's dropping lines like, "Throw the pussy at me guaranteed you won't see a strike / I'ma hit it hard you gonna think you Derek Jeter wife."
First, Jeter's not married. There is no "Derek Jeter wife." In fact, he's baseball's most notorious bachelor. Second, Derek Jeter doesn't hit it hard. In his entire career he's never hit more than 25 home runs, and he averages 17 a season for his career, a good but not impressive number. I don't demand complete accuracy from my rap sports references, but at least get it right. He could have used any player in that line - I know Albert Pujols doesn't roll of the tongue, but his wife is smoking hot, and if you hit it was hard as Pujols, you're really laying down some pipe. Also, I hate the Yankees, so that's not helping.
My favorite "Thank Me Later" leftover, but if I was from Drake's hometown I would have been a little perturbed when I heard him say "Yeah, and you can spare me the accolades / I’m the reason you can find my city on the Atlas page." Um, I'm pretty sure Toronto was on the map before you came along Drizzy, you know, considering it's Canada largest city and all. Big K.R.I.T. put Meridian, Miss. on the map. Yelawolf put Gadsen, Alabama on the map. Drake just happens to be from Toronto.
And as long as we're at it, no, you're not the world's only 23-year-old wine connoisseur, and it's hard to tell whether Drake really means he feels like 50 Cent in '02 (when Fiddy signed to Shady and was building some buzz) or like 50 Cent in '03 (when he dropped "Get Rich or Die Trying" and became, indeed, the "man"). Both technically work, so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that last one.
Now I'm not going to pretend like I've got the world's greatest game, but the past 27 years on Earth have taught me a few things about how to talk, and not talk, to the opposite sex. Let me cut right to the chase. If you're in the midst of trying to seduce a woman, I'm having a hard time thinking of saying anything more ill-advised, "Baby you finer than your fine cousin, and your cousin fine..." Maybe in Drake's world girls f you no matter what you say, but in the real world, softly whispering to a woman how fine her cousin is is a guaranteed recipe for a slap and blue balls.
If you read me tear into Kanye for that Riesling line on "Run This Town" you know I demand accuracy from rappers when it comes to alcohol, which is why I have to question Drake's "Do I love these hos? Kinda, sorta. I got em drinkin Sangria like it's fucking water."
Um, sangria is a light, refreshing wine usually containing large pieces of fruit. In other words, sangria is slightly alcoholic fruit punch. I'm not trying to tell Drake how to get hos drunk - I'm sure he's had more practice at it than me - but Sangria's a incredibly expensive and inefficient way to go about things. Even if they're drinking sangria like it's water, you're going to end up with a lot of only mildly drunk hos on a crazy sugar high, which I doubt it what Drake was going for.